It has only been two days.
In reality, of course, it has been more than that. I may not be an expert devotee, but nor am I a novice. But, technically, this is the end of the second day.
So, how do I feel? I feel locked. It is as simple as that. I see no direction, no purpose, no deeper meaning. And I wish none. Keyholder or not (and, for those who wonder, “not” is the correct answer), this seemingly tiny act of submission can turn one’s mind inside out.
There have been moments over the day where I have struggled. Of course I have. It is the most recalcitrant part of the human anatomy that ever existed. And so so much of it is psychological. It really is about how much devotion there is, about how single minded one can be. The mental force can override the temporary physical effects, I have discovered. It has taken nearly a year to learn this. Perhaps I am just a slow learner.
So the question arises, am I committed to this lockdown? The secondary question arises – does Mistress wish me to be committed to this lockdown? It is this mystery, this flagrant abandonment of all expectation, that drives me on.
There is no carrot. There is no stick. There is punishment, if I am worth it. That is all.