I never wanted to be hit.
It was not something that featured in my philosophy.
I never wanted to be chaste. It was not relevant to me.
I fantasized about sensation, about fetish materials and othersuch matters, about submission, of course. But about the softer side. But they were only fantasies. They were nothing to do with reality. I am now no longer sure what reality is.
I had no idea I would like pain. Does that sound odd? Does that sound bizarrely indiscriminate?
I had never been hit, for goodness sake. My back and the rest of my anatomy for that matter was pristine ground, no flag planted, no whip or flogger laid, nor touched. And the rest of my anatomy was pristine too, my own, touched by no other human hand (you think I am joking? think again. )
And now this. My world is inside out. And yet I understand my world, and my self, better than ever before. It is an opening up. I have said before, and I will say again, this submission is a release, a realisation that I can be other than who I thought I was. It is a revelation, a true revelation.
It is impossible to describe.
I shall do my best. I shall fail. I know that. It is the nature of these things. But I shall try.
The question that occurs to me, is how many people carry out their lives of quiet desperation and never take that sometimes desperate step that it takes to actually find out who you are? How many are in waiting? How many hide their light under a bushel and can only shine once they take that such giant step?
Believe me, I know. I have been there. And I have done it. And look at me now. You may not approve, you may disagree, but you cannot dispute the change.
For many, if not all, turning to a professional dominatrix is a last and final desperate step. There is nowhere left to turn to. There is nobody left to trust. There is no-one who can accept, who can be non-judgmental, who really, in a fundamental and basic way, really does not care who or what you are.
These are rare individuals. These are special people in all the right ways.
My world changed last year. It now changes on a day by day basis. And because of it, because of Mistress, because of chastity and submission and lockdown and all these other things, I am invigorated with a lust for life I have never known before.
And right now, all I want to do is take those keys, chuck them in the kitchen safe, set it to max and then, when the time runs out, set it to max again, and just keep on doing so over and over and over again.
Yes, indeed, I am not the person I was a year ago.