The end of week 6 approaches.
This is day 3 of loss of control.
I have never felt so content in all my life.
This locking, this submission, is really affecting my mind now. It is not that I focus on it. It is more that I can focus on other things that much better. I do not have this niggling doubt, this little worry, this little beast between my legs telling me to how behave.
It is very much like locking away a part of your male personality, part I do not want. It is as if I have said to myself “right, this is it. I do not want you. I do not need you. You are a hindrance, not a help. I need focus and I need to focus elsewhere other than you.”
As Mistress has said in her own writings, this is not orgasm delay. I am not locked in the hopes that if I am good I may be unlocked and do what surely only comes naturally to single males. It is not like that at all. It is not delay but denial, as Mistress has said. She does not wish me to do that thing. And I do not wish me to do that thing. But the only way to be sure is to be locked.
That is why it gives me comfort. I do not trust myself. Even with access to the keys, I do not trust myself. And now I have no choice. And I love that. It makes me feel safe and soft and secure and trustworthy and devoted and dedicated, all those things I would claim to be but may fall short of in real life due to being male, a liar and an incontrovertible wanker.
Please do not get me wrong. I do not hate myself. I do not hate maleness or anything of the sort. I just really really like being locked because I really really like giving up control and I really really like not just the idea of being chaste, but now the reality of it. I feel whole, perhaps for the first time in my life. I feel my life has meaning, perhaps for the first time.
It is really difficult to describe. The words just seem to come out wrong and make it sound all crass and stupid and idiotically idealistic. But it is not. There is a strange beauty in it.
Simply put, I just feel like a better person.
Of course, that is not for me to judge. But I try my best and hardest, though I fail often, to please Mistress because it is vety very rare in life to find someone so special that they are worth putting in this effort for. Very rare indeed, and I do count myself one of the luckiest men alive.
And so it really is very simply, not weird or strange or complex. It is simple devotion. I have said it before. I am sure I will say it again.
I do not think I am naturally submissive, and I do not think I could be so for just anyone. The person I choose to be submissive to and for whom I choose to lock must be very very special indeed.