Is it worth it?
That is the one question that plagues me day after day after day. Is it worth it?
Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it is painful.
Sometimes, I do not know the difference between fantasy and reality, although I know Mistress knows it well. I am still stuck in a kind of limbo. I am sure Mistress knows that adore her. I am just not entirely sure she knows what that means.
Do I sound ungrateful? Oh please believe me, I am not. If anything, I am too grateful, too demanding, too subservient. I display weakness where there should be strength. Some call it negativity, and yet I do not feel it is negative. It is merely understanding the reality of the circumstance.
Nothing lasts for ever. I know that. Any fool knows that.
I cannot see the future. All I can do is hope to live through each and every day, locked in chastity for the most wonderful person in the world, until she does not wish it any more. It is a wonderful way to live, but in some ways it is also terrible because of the not knowing. The future is permanently blank. This time next week, I may be locked or I may be unlocked. I just do not know.
The important thing is the why. Why do I do it? What is the focus of this enterprise?
I sometimes wonder if Mistress thinks I do it because I get a personal kick out of being locked. I assure you, I do not. I like being locked, but only because I think it pleases Mistress. For myself, it just bloody well hurts most of the time. And it is annoying. And itchy. And pointless.
But, if that is what Mistress wishes, I will never ever argue.
So, a slightly rebellious day today. Mistress has advised I can have the night off and relax and watch a film. But stay locked. Hmmm.
Although keys are now locked in the kitchen safe for the next two days, I wish I had set the timer for longer.