Today is Day 50.
Well, strictly speaking, tonight will be the 50th night, but still, I’m counting today as Day 50.
Do I feel proud of myself, proud of my accomplishment? Actually, no I don’t. I do not think it is anything to be proud of. It is as if I were to say I was so pleased with myself that I had not punched anyone in the face today. It is not a pride thing. It is just the right thing to do. Or to not do, if you know what I mean.
I get it, I absolutely get it now. As a single male, no partner, no children, no relationships (not for well over 20 years now) then what on earth is the point of my being able to “pleasure” myself only for it, even tacitly, to help promulgate the porn industry or the denigration of women? For me, I think it has become a moral issue.
I am locked for Mistress because it is the right thing to do. It is right for me anyway.
There has been a subtle gear change in my head. I have spent so long, so many aching and painful months, trying to remain locked, thinking it was some kind of competition that I was failing to win, with so many others managing to succeed, feeling bad about it and guilty about it and so desperate to try my hardest. I failed to realise the deep fundamental truth.
Some may say it is just a form of enforced celibacy. Some may say it is still a game. Some may say this lockdown has addled my brains.
I understand all these things, I know where people are coming from when they say them. But I beg to differ.
For single males who, despite their best stated intentions, just wish to get on with life, there is nevertheless always a risk that even in just some small way, one will demean oneself and in doing so, demean others. I no longer wish to run that risk with myself.
For single males with no partner, no prospect of a partner and no desire for a partner, being locked in chastity is not just a reasonable option, but a preferred one.
As I said, a gear has shifted in my brain and I am not quite the person I was 50 days ago. I hope and believe I am a better person, more focused, more attentive to others, more considerate. I am determined to please Mistress but I am also determined that she will have no cause to doubt me and that her wishes will always be paramount.
And so, that is Day 50. I wonder what on earth comes next?