I’m not a quitter.
Through trial, one learns one’s character. One does not learn what one can achieve by sitting at home doing nothing or thinking nothing or just watching television or playing on the internet. One learns by doing.
And one also learns by one’s mistakes.
This week, I have made some terrible mistakes, in ways too gauche to mention. In other ways, I have merely failed to be properly devoted to Mistress. It has been a most strange time, because I have not felt as if my devotion has waned in any way, but my actions have not been up to the mark. I guess that is why Mistress decided on Wednesday that I should lock the keys in the kitchen safe again, not to open again until the end of week 8, which will be midnight on Sunday. I do not think she didn’t trust me. But I think she thinks I didn’t trust me. And, of course, she is probably right.
So there the keys are, sitting in the safe in the hallway. I pass it every time I move from one room to another. And it looks at me, the timer gently timing down, almost smiling, letting me know I am safe and not to worry because there is no way I am being unlocked for a while yet.
A strange bizarre part of me almost wishes it had a “year” setting.
So, after a couple of days of shakiness and lack of apparent resolution, I have returned with a new verve and such deep deep devotion that it truly shakes me to my core. The gloves are off, so to speak. There is a new world opening up and I hope so so much I can be part of it, because it speaks to me. I know it sounds trite and old fashioned, but it is just how things feel to me.
And tomorrow, for the first time since lockdown began really, I will be having a visit to Mistress. I have visited, but just or chats and friendliness and business-like and such like, but not for a proper battering. And tomorrow, dare I hope? Dare I wish? It matters not. The seeds of hope are sown. And so is a new resolution born.
I will bear anything Mistress wishes to do to me with pleasure and gratitude. I will bring gifts and show my appreciation in the only ways I know how. Hope burns so strongly within me, alongside devotion and a kind of desire and just the realisation that Mistress is the most wonderful person I have ever known.
It’s just how I feel right now.