I am unlocked.

Lockdown has come to an end.

Yesterday, I felt a sharp sudden pain and feared the worst. Initial investigation suggested all was well but after another night of hourly wakenings and remaining soreness, in the morning I decided it was time to check things out properly.

And have a rest.

I felt unable to contact Mistress to ask if this would be okay. It was unilateral and I did it for reasons of safety and to ensure I was not damaging myself. I am, after all, a self locker and not keyheld, so it is my choice.

I may sound a bit blase about this, after everything I have claimed and all the statements I have made, but I can assure you I am absolutely and utterly gutted. I have barely stopped crying, I feel so ashamed to have let Mistress down without so much as a by your leave.

And yet this is not an end. I have tried my absolute best to remain locked in a stainless steel chastity device for the pleasure of Mistress for as long as I can. As it turns out, as long as I can, so far, has been 8 weeks and 1 day.

The important thing to realise, I think, is that this is real. This is not made up. I am not pretending to be locked when in fact I am not. I do not surreptitiously unlock at night only to lock again in the morning and then pretend I have been 24/7. This is real. Solid. At times, very sore, and at other times, very frustrating. And sometimes beautiful. But have no doubt at all that is real.

I am trying my best not to think of it as failure. I am considering that lockdown has been a test, a test of my constitution, a test of the device, a test of my devotion. I do not know if I have passed that test or not, but I do know I will not give up. Today is just one day. Tomorrow is another.

I am regarding this as a temporary break between two different states – the first of lockdown as a trial period and the second of lifestyle as a confirmed way I want to be.

I do not give up lightly. I have felt awkward and awful and uncomfortable all day. I have not felt right, and I know why. I need this, I need to be locked now. It is no longer a preference. But I will not take unnecessary risks with my health and well being, because I know Mistress would not want me to.

And so, a moment of disobedience. I should have sought permission, I know. I should have explained things and I am sure Mistress would have been amenable and would have advised me to take a rest. But what is done is done and cannot be undone now.

But I refuse to be downhearted. It has become too important to me now. I may have been locked for the last 8 weeks, but I could unlock because I still had the choice. The next time, I may not be so lucky.

Surely a man can dream?



One thought on “Disobedience

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