I can barely write.
I have thought long and hard about the title to give today’s entry and have come up with nothing which quite describes it properly.
Today came out of the blue, hit me over the head like a ton of bricks and then carried me onward into a new world.
To say I am in awe does not do it justice. I am utterly stunned. I am emotional, I am drowning in tears, I am overjoyed beyond belief, I am overflowing with gratitude and adoration and devotion. I just do not have enough words.
The world changed today. It is a new place. One event has left me utterly speechless, shaking my head in disbelief, and yet it has brought home everything the past 16 months have been and all the changes that have happened to me and it is all so fundamentally and powerfully real and it is as if I never saw it coming.
So what is it that has changed things so much, that has left me weak-kneed and quivering and so full of awe and gratitude and devotion? What could possibly have happened?
I had expected a quiet weekend. I had nothing planned, nowhere to go, nothing that needed doing other than the normal humdrum of domestic duties of laundry and cleaning and cooking and such like.
Unexpectedly, yesterday evening I received an email from Mistress asking if I would be visiting the following day. I replied I had nothing planned. She advised I was more than welcome to visit and so Saturday was set. I had no expectations of anything other than chatting and general discussing. I am not entirely sure I wished anything else, to be entirely honest.
This morning, having risen late, I was preparing to make my way out for visit when I received another email. I was to bring something with me. That email alone left me quivering and weak and with such a sense of surrealness it is difficult to believe today has been real at all.
And so, visit was accomplished, discussions and chats were had, refreshments were consumed and an altogether pleasant time was had. Time in the company of Mistress is always such an honour and a privilege and a joy.
And then, just before we parted, she stood, one arm extended, and with that look on her face which means she cannot be denied. I actually tried, saying it was okay and there was no need and things to that effect. I cannot really remember what I said. The look became sterner.
And so were my keys delivered into the hands of Mistress.
And then we parted.
And then I crumbled.
I have dreamed of this day for so long. I had convinced myself it would never happen, that Mistress did not wish it to happen, and I was actually perfectly happy with my lot, knowing that Mistress had already given me so much which she really did not need to do and that I was honoured and privileged to be allowed time with her and to email and message. I was resigned to the fact that I would always self lock and that this was simply how things were.
And then today happened.
I can still barely believe it. I have to keep pausing as I write as emotion just overcomes me.
It feels so so different. Being locked and carrying the keys about everywhere is one thing. Being locked and leaving the keys frozen in a bottle of water is another thing. Being locked and depositing the keys in a time locked safe is yet another thing. But at each and every turn, there is always the possibility of escape, though it may require violent means to accomplish (such as taking a heavy hammer to the time locking safe).
But now, it really is not up to me. Now, I have literally handed over control, completely ceded it.
But is not the lack of control or the not having a clue when I will be released or the sheer physical inability – short of a bolt cutter – to be able to release at all (and I do not possess a bolt cutter, I would have to buy one first) which has really got to me. It is the fact that Mistress has chosen to accept my keys in the first place, that she regards me as worthy and able, that she trusts me.
Today, the world changed. And today, I saw it, felt it and, at last believed it. And it is such an absolute honour and privilege.