Did I say that I am a worrier?
Not a true worrier really, in that things concern me but the things that concern me tend to be things I can do nothing about.
But still I worry. I worry that Mistress feels she has done the right thing. I worry that I have done the right thing. Half the day yesterday I was wandering around just asking myself “what have you done? what on earth have you done?”.
I am, however, in no doubt that this is right for me. But I worry about whether it is right for Mistress.
The last thing I would ever want to do would be to cause Mistress problems or issues or concerns or anything negative. As I said in yesterday’s entry, I had already resigned myself to the fact the things were not going to go this way, that she would never take the keys, that she did not wish to, and I was quite prepared to accept that.
If in doing so, it has caused her any kind of problems, then I wish it had never happened. Some things are just more important than my own happiness or pleasure or desires or fantasies or whatever you want to call them. The happiness and well-being of Mistress is over and above everything. That is not an overstatement.
You see, I am old enough, and adult enough, to appreciate Mistress as a human being, with her own life and loves and desires and needs which have absolutely nothing to do with me. I have such respect for her, such admiration. I would feel no less for any other person.
Well, I say that, but obviously Mistress is just plain special, over and above the normal humdrum special.
As I look around my accommodations, seeing the things I have built up over such a short period of time, thinking on the details of what my life was, what it is now, and what it is becoming, I cannot help but notice that although there is a kitchen safe, it is empty. Although there is a freezer, there is nothing but food in it. Although I have padlocks aplenty and keys aplenty, none of the keys fit the padlock which has me incontrovertibly without control of myself.
Did I say I love this feeling? Did I say what an honour it is for me? Did I say I truly truly appreciate what Mistress has done for me?
No wonder I worry. There is a lot of trust I have placed in Mistress, but equally there is a lot of trust she has placed in me.
And that, that trust, is why my worry is groundless. If Mistress did not wish it, it would not happen.
I think perhaps at last I have learned my lesson.