I have given up.

Well, it is not so much that I personally have given up anything at all. However, a strange thing has happened.

Ever since the handover of the keys, my previously recalcitrant anatomy has given up.

During lockdown, it fought and fought and fought. It crept at night. As I lay abed, I could physically feel it. More often than not, during the day, it would tighten and tense and pinch and itch and just generally make a nuisance of itself. I wrote about it several times. It drove me to the edge of madness.

But then, amazingly, magically, inexplicably, Mistress took my keys.

And since then? There has been nothing but soft, compliant docility.

I don’t understand. Whereas before there was soreness and pain and suffering, now there is peace and calm and acceptance. Does this blasted thing really have a mind of its own? Does it somehow know that whereas before, there was always still a chance of release, the option was still there, but now that the keys are a hundred miles away or more and, even then, not directly accessible without permission, does it somehow know the game is up and there is no use fighting?

I really do not understand at all.

There is, however, one thing which is beyond a shadow of a doubt. Right here, right now, in this moment and in this circumstance, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. There have, of course, been other specific moments, but I have to say they are part and parcel of the same thing. Standing locked to the St Andrews Cross, waiting for the next arc of the whip or flogger; bent over, waiting for the next thwack of the paddle; polishing Mistress’s boots; being Mistress’s footstool or table. All these moments are moments of sheer mindless unadulterated bliss.

But in an overarching sense, in terms of periods of my life, time spans, from childhood to youth to young adulthood and the rest, now is genuinely and honestly the time when I have been at my happiest. Now, living on my own, visiting Mistress for a succession of unforgettable experiences, locked in chastity with Mistress holding the keys, I have never ever been in a happier place. It brings me to tears if I think about it too much.

What this wonderful wonderful woman has done for me is beyond thanks, beyond gratitude. She has given me a new life. She has given me my life.It sounds overblown, but I can assure you it is not.

I was asked once by a psychologist if I was, in general, happy. I thought for a moment and the only reply I could give was that I did not understand the question. If that same person asked me the same question now, the answer would be a resounding yes yes yes. I am happy. Possibly for the first time in my life, I am genuinely happy to be alive, so looking forward to the future, and so so grateful to Mistress for making me live again.

And so, you see, I know nothing any more. Because my life is so unrecognisable even to myself. And thank you Mistress for making it so.


One thought on “Capitulation

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