What am I allowed?
This question has been irritating me for some time, although deep within I am perfectly clear of the answer.
If one is called, or calls oneself, a submissive, what does it actually mean? Does it only apply in particular role-play situations or does it apply all the time? Does it apply to anyone who is called, or who calls themselves, a dominant, or is it reserved for those one chooses?
I guess each and every individual circumstance is different, and different people accept and appreciate different things. And there is no right answer.
It has irritated me in the past that people have told me I am not a true submissive. I know exactly what they mean. They mean I do not fit their image of one. But it also means that they have a hard and fast definition of what does and does not count, so alien to this free bdsm world of strangeness and wonder and, yes, tolerance and yes, acceptance. To be excluded or demonised because you do not fit one individual’s definition is, to me, tragic.
Surely, in this world so frowned on by the “rest” of society, we should be the most tolerant there is of difference? And yet I suppose it is only human nature to form closer knit cliques, closer bonds with those whose views one shares. But I still think that is no excuse.
So, to return to the question at hand, does a submissive have rights?
Really, it is a stupid question. And the stupid answer is, of course, yes.
The absolutely key thing about it is the aspect of consent. How many of those rights have been freely given away? How many of those rights have been taken? How many have been taken with consent, even?
And how many have been taken with the consent of the dominant, rather than the demands of the submissive?
I have read, and been told, many times that in any bdsm relationship/circumstance it is the submissive who is in control. This is simply not true. I cannot stress it too much. It is not true. What drives absolutely everything is consent.
Too much is spoken about the rights of the submissive, how they can use their safeword at any point, how the details of the D/s relationship is governed by what the submissive will accept.
No no no no no no!
I submit to Mistress. I consider myself the closest thing I will ever get to being a full time lifestyle submissive. But it is not because I demand it, or because I have expectations of Mistress, or because I am somehow in control of the situation.
In a way, nobody is in control. It is agreed. It is mutual. And, over and above anything else, it is respectful, from both sides.
I have the rights I have as a human being. As does Mistress. I submit to Mistress in every way I can, but only because she allows it. But, equally, she would not demand of me something she knew I was not prepared to give.
Consent can take a very long time to build up. It is not just a signature on a piece of paper. It is trust, plain and simple.
I have no right to demand things of Mistress. She has no right to demand things of me. But, as we agree that she is wonderful and amazing and quite the most breathtakingly fabulous person in the world, then there really is no choice.
Well, I agree that anyway.