I wonder if things have changed?

I wonder if I have changed in a substantial and irrevocable manner?

I am not quite sure how to put this. I shall be as circumspect as I can.

I have had certain predilections for a long long time. There are certain things which I had almost accepted as bedrock about myself, from certain aspects about my personality – confidence, control, deference, understanding – to other aspects of my physicality – males do certain things, behave in certain ways, just are what they are.

But I have come to doubt. There are certain things, almost all associated with “kink” in all its aspects, where the desire seems to have just drifted away.

Over the course of years, I have tried all manner of things, been “into” all manner of things and found certain things to be more exciting to me than anything I could have imagined. I am not going into a full confession here of a list of all those predilections. There are some, I am sure, who would find it quite unnerving. Nevertheless, I cannot deny they have been there. All entirely safe, I might add, and all simply me being me. At no point has any other person been involved.

But now? One by one, I find them dropping away, losing interest, losing their appeal. There are certain things, certain “fetishes”, shall we say, which I thought were a core part of me. I find out now I no longer believe they are.

There was a time when I feared to attend some kind of event as I did not think my mind could cope with everything before my eyes without sending me wild with desire. I now find this is no longer the case.

I am no longer driven to distraction at the thought of meeting some beautiful woman clad all in leather or latex or pvc and willing to bid me do her bidding. No longer do I tremble at the thought of how these submissive games might make me feel.

Because now I know the reality. And the reality is far far more powerful than the fantasy.

Basically, I seem to have lost interest in fantasy.

I have never felt less kinky. I have never felt less overwhelmed by all that is fantasy and fetish. And yet I have never felt so overcome with feelings of devotion and willing service and a desire to please an individual. To worship, even.

I feel I have become a sort of “kinky vanilla”. I do not feel kinky or strange in any way. I pretty much feel “vanilla”.

But I also think this is a crucial step in my journey into chastity and submission, as this blog is so titled. Because I think I now have acceptance.

It is not that I have lost the urge. It is that I have accepted it and, in doing so, have accepted myself in a way I did not before.

Please, please do not get me wrong. Mistress drives me utterly wild beyond all imagining. That has in no way changed and has, indeed, only become stronger. But I am beginning to learn to cope with that and I now appreciate Mistress more than ever.

It is simply that things change. And really, all that has changed is my focus.

And, quite strangely, with all that, the world has become a new place. How can I ever thank Mistress enough?

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