Fear

I feel lost.

I can’t help it. I have been away from things for so long, there is no end in sight, thankfully. I just cannot see the way ahead.

It may seem negative to talk about my fears and what I dread happening, but it is on the back of what I hope for, what I believe in. We can only understand what we fear if we understand hope.

And so, I fear I have lost this most magical world. I have stepped away and stepping back into it will simply be too difficult. I will feel like a traitor.

And I fear I have lost Mistress.

That thought is so utterly devastating.

I fear I have failed to show due respect. I fear I have failed to be properly devoted. I fear I have not accorded appropriate deference. I fear I may be unable to. Simply put, I just fear I have let go of something which is so precious to me and it will be impossible to get it back.

But I also know that fear is the little death. Fear is a state of mind. It is not reality. Fantasy can take so many forms, delusion can be so insinuative.

For those who seek an insight into the mind of a submissive, know this. Fear does not drive it. It is a part of it, but it is in no way its whole.

And so, whilst I dread the thought that I have lost Mistress, I know it is not true. Whilst I fear I can no longer step back into this world, I know that for a fallacy.

For this world has welcomed me. Mistress accepts me. I know these things.

How many people, in whatever walk of life, can truly claim to know they belong?

Thanks to Mistress, I know my fears are unfounded.

Refusal

It has been too long.

It has been far too long since I last wrote.

It has been far too long since I have engaged with this world, this world of chastity and fetish and domination.

Admittedly, there have been other things I have had to do and I make no excuse for that. Things simply had to be done.

But I feel the loss of this world. I miss it. I miss Mistress. I miss doing things which are pleasing to her, even though real life has stepped in and precluded anything else. Such is life, sometimes. It is nobody’s fault. Things are just what they are.

However, the situation I now find myself in harks back to two weeks ago. There had been a certain lull in activity, a certain abandonment of certain tenets. Mistress realised this and sent me a set of instructions.

I could not comply. Out of the blue came urgent demands from family and elsewhere and I had to flee and deal with things as best I could.

The upshot of all this, however, is that I had to directly disobey Mistress.

Flagrantly.

And now, two weeks later, I realise how rude I have been. I have offered little explanation, I have given little reason. I know Mistress understands. She is just that kind of person. But I also know I have now a debt to pay to her.

This Mistress/submissive relationship is really quite a particular thing, quite unlike other D/s relationships. There is respect and honour. There is understanding and appreciation. There is devotion and there is the realisation that on both sides there is reality. These things are not missing from other such relationships, not at all. But in this kind of relationship, they are absolutely everything.

That does not mean this is all fantasy and whim. Quite the opposite. It means that there is a mutual respect beyond that of the standard Mistress/sub relationship. It isn’t all whips and chains, delightful though they are.

But I still castigate myself regarding how badly I have treated Mistress, how little information or reason I have given for disobeying her direct instructions, albeit they have been very good and valid reasons.

And perhaps, when it comes right down to it, it is that very understanding, that mutual respect and appreciation, which makes me realise she understands and that no specific reason or apology need be given. For she knows how things stand. She understands and appreciates that I, as her submissive, have a life all of my own, connected yet disconnected. It is the interweaving of such strands which give life to life’s rich tapestry, which give life and vibrancy to what would otherwise be a lost cause.

I realise in this writing I am breaking all the rules of what should constitute good web writing skills, of what a blog should be about. But I just wanted it to be clear that I do not regard this new world as separate to real life. That is why I am not using capital letters or trademark signs to describe it.

It is just my life. Mistress is part of it. Chastity is part of it. There are many many parts to it, as is true for everyone.

The refusal was given, and accepted.

But real life must go on, with all the kink and whim that may be involved in any part of it.

In many ways, I feel I am not just back to square one, but back to square zero. It is not just that it is as if nothing had ever happened, but almost as if what has happened has been undone.

There is an even keel of what is acceptable in any given circumstance. There are games people play. There is real life. There are certain essential experiences which define a person.

But over and above all of that, there is an absolute respect and devotion which no amount of reality, no amount of pretending or playing or gamesmanship or fantasy can hide.

When things get difficult, Mistress is there.

That, really, is all I can say.

 

Starting up

I am locked.

I have just had a rejuvenating and cleaning bath and realised immediately that it is time.

So, I am locked again, in my favorite device and one I know I can wear for a long time.

It really is quite extraordinary. It feel so comfortable, so right. It is impossible to explain this feeling.

It just seems as if that appendage is no longer mine. I know this is not strictly true, for I have the keys here and can unlock any time I wish.

I just do not wish.

Maybe this year I will be lucky enough for Mistress to take the keys, even just for a short time. I know it may not happen. I will never ever make any request or demand in that respect. But if she so wishes, then perhaps it might be so.

But for now, my mind is awash with the sheer pleasure of being locked again. My world is now just so. It is like starting all over again, but with a little bit more knowledge and experience.

Let us see how things fare this time.

For the sake of clarity

I want to make something absolutely clear.

But before I do so, there are a couple of other technicalities I wish to deal with.

Please bear with me. This is not one of my more usual posts.

For those who do not know, there is a Twitter account associated with this blog and also a Tumblr one. The follower figures given on the Home Page of this site add all these up and, as of now, there are a total of 1,073 followers.

Wow.

I mean WOW.

How did that happen?

The only thing I can imagine is that others recognise how wonderful Mistress is. Nothing else can explain it. And it makes me so happy to think that I have helped others in coming to this realisation.

So the first thing I wish to make clear is that I write this for Mistress. It started as a diary for Lockdown in June last year and has just sort of kept on going. The fact that so many people are following is to me utterly amazing and only by putting it into the context of how wonderful Mistress is can I cope with these numbers.

So I want to say thank you to each and every person who currently follows, has ever followed, or who has ever even had a peep at the contents of this site. A deep and heartfelt thank you.

The second thing I want to say is that although it may give that appearance, this is not my personal diary. This is my writings on two particular subjects – chastity and submission – and my true expression of devotion to Mistress.

Everything I have ever written here is absolute and utter truth. I have been very forthright about that, blunt at times, but I can assure that every single word is true.

I am devoted to Mistress. It is straightforward and simple.

However, this is not the totality of my life. I have friends and family, other hobbies, other things that I do. I am just a human being, like everyone else. What I choose to write here is for the very particular purpose of expressing certain thoughts, explaining from my own point of view a very specific journey. But it is not everything that I am. Nor should it be.

Thirdly and lastly, I want to make absolutely and utterly clear to anyone who might chance across this site, and this post, that without Mistress, it would not exist.

In fact, without Mistress, my life as I now know it would not exist for it is she who gave me the confidence to strike out on my own and create my own life. It is Mistress who encouraged and helped me find the person I am. In every way, not just in relation to chastity and submission.

Yes, I am utterly devoted to Mistress but it is not blind devotion. It is carefully considered and the effect she has had on my life is truly extraordinary.

For the most fundamental thing I can say, for the sake of clarity, is that Mistress is my friend. And I hope and believe I am her friend too.

And that is simply because Mistress is a special person, far more than just a Mistress. She is, quite literally, the exception.

She just is.

Come what may

Recent events have changed the world.

This is true on the grand global level but also true on the more intimate personal level. Things will just never be the same again.

It is just the way things are. I completely accept that. I understand when it is time to move on and to reinvent.

The world of male chastity is such a strange world, and yet so strangely familiar as well. The world of BDSM too is such a strange place and yet it curiously feels like home, although it is so unlike the “home” I am used to. Or, rather, it is curiously unlike the home I used to be used to.

I am not currently in a place where I am able to lock safely. This will change soon. It must.

But although I am unable to lock, I can still think.

Thoughts turn to the past, the journey, how I got here, how wonderful Mistress is, what adventures there have been in the past. And I just wonder what adventures there lie in wait in the future.

For one thing is sure. The future is going to be nothing like the past.

Mistress told me the other day that sometimes the place you need to get back to needs to change. I have never felt the truth of this more strongly than now.

But I am not negative about it. As I sit here thinking and wondering, in amazement, about the past, I cannot help but feel excited about the future. I know there are bad things that will happen, but I also know there a good things.

It is a new place.

Mistress has taught me so much, changed my life and made me a better person. One of those things is to make me understand that things change but that we should always, always try to make the best out of things.

So welcome to this new place. I do not know what it contains, where it is leading, or what to expect. But I do know my eyes have been opened and I am utterly prepared to launch into what is to come with life and verve and gusto and devotion, if Mistress will allow it.

Because part and parcel of it is ongoing and complete devotion to Mistress, come what may.

Orders

I wasn’t going to write anything tonight.

But I saw a news clip that got me thinking. It was about whether MPs should always follow the party line or if they had free will and were allowed to make their own stand in support of those who elected them to office.

This, I must clarify, is in no way a political blog and never will be. This is not the place for such things. I only mention it as it started a stream of thought in my mind.

And it is this.

Do I always have to obey orders from Mistress? Do I always have to do what I am told? Do I actually really have any choice at all?

It sounds like a dilemma, or a ridiculous question. I mean, what true submissive could even ask such a question?

But in my case there is a somewhat unusual circumstance.

Simply put, Mistress does not make any demands of me. She is just not like that.

I can hear those who gasp, who wonder what is this all about, who wonder whether or not there is any D/s thing here at all. Is she a real Mistress at all?

Oh believe me she is. It is far more subtle than issuing orders and expecting them to be obeyed. It is about pleasing Mistress.

I have said before that I am not a player of games. No. This is real life. I am utterly devoted to Mistress and want to do nothing other than anything that will please her, make her life a better place, bring a small smile to her each and every day.

And therein is the challenge, the order, the obedience.

  • Mistress does not issue orders. She expects.
  • Mistress does not have to tell me to do things. She wishes me to know what needs to be done and then expects that I will do it.
  • Mistress does not have to make demands. The choice of giving myself to her will has already been made. It is my duty now to make her happy.

Does a Mistress have to be continually issuing orders and dealing out punishments to those who fail to live up to expectations?

No, I do not believe this is what a Mistress should be doing. And seeking those punishments is not something a submissive should be doing.

He should be doing his utmost to please his Mistress, without being asked. He should not require punishment. Punishment should be a reward for good behaviour. And he should never ever annoy, upset or anger his Mistress.

For believe me, at every turn Mistress is being kind to you.

So do I really have to obey orders all the time? Absolutely and utterly yes, where they are issued. Because I trust Mistress.

But orders should never be needed.

How far . . .

Some things never change.

From the earliest days, I have been blessed, or cursed, with a short fuse.

Overenthusiasm.

It seems I am unable to learn anything substantial. I have always the best of intentions but they always seem to result in the worst outcome.

In some ways I have become used to it. I am quite used to the worst outcome but I get a little distressed when I think I have done something which is displeasing to Mistress.

Such is the situation this evening. Without any bidding or requirement, I locked for the morning. I had an important business meeting and felt it inappropriate to be sitting in a cold room listening to the judgmental evaluation whilst sitting locked.

But this morning was lovely. I will maybe go into the device details in due course, but for now, please know today has been entirely experimental and, actually, quite sore, but in a pleasant way.

Back on the wagon, as they say.

I really need to curb this enthusiasm, though. I might do myself and injury.

In Training

It is time.

There is actually such a thing as being unlocked for too long. I know Real Life can impinge and knock things sideways for a time, but this chastity thing just grips like an iron vice, much as does the chastity device itself.

February 15th 2017 will be Male Chastity Day, when all who can will lock for as long as their Mistress wishes.  In truth, it is a day of honour.

But I realise I am so badly out of shape, so out of the swing of things, and have been so unused for far too long to being unlocked.

And so today, at lunchtime, I decided it was time to start training. I used one of my previously little used devices, for a very specific reason. First, because it was relatively unused but also because it is by far the heaviest device I have, being solid steel (not bars or wires or cage) with a very hefty base ring.

I dare say at some point I will detail some the relative merits and demerits of some of the devices I have, but for now I just wanted to let it be known that locking is back.

I also want to make it clear that this in no way has been at the behest of Mistress. She has not asked for this and maybe has either no desire or no interest in it. But I personally felt it important enough that I should be in a fit shape to lock if and when it may become required or desirable.

After all, who would wish to reach Male Chastity Day only to lock and then start whining that it was sore or that things hurt, only to remove the device before 24 hours have passed.

That is not how I want to do things.

Mistress deserves my absolute best efforts and in order to deliver on those best efforts, some preparation is needed.

And lo and behold, once the device was fitted and secured, there was no discomfort at all. It seems all the time spent locked last year has embedded itself in my body’s mind and there was almost an audible sigh of relief from my anatomy when the padlock clicked shut.

This is what it feels like. This is where I am. This is who I am.

I know I wrote yesterday about choice and the difference between different kinds of chastity, different kinds of submission, and reasons for doing things.

Maybe, just maybe, sometimes those reasons can coincide, for Mistress and for me.

So, I am back in training. I will experiment with other devices over the coming few days and weeks and report back on progress. I can advise that as of now, I am unlocked, not wishing to risk a full night in an essentially untested device.

When it comes to it, I know which one I shall use. It can be seen on this blog’s home page.

Lastly, please do not forget to vote in my poll. It is only running this week. Really, if there is anything people wish to see me do differently or write differently, or include or exclude, please let me know. All comments are most welcome.

 

 

Chastity vs Submission

This blog has always been about chastity and submission.

Sometimes, I write more about one than the other and any reader would be hard pressed to work out if I actually had a preference between the two.

Each has their own special place. Each aspect has its own things to recommend it. Each, naturally, has its own down side, of sorts.

So here I would like to have a go at evaluating the pros and cons of each, to try and decide which I prefer, to try and understand what each of them are. I have to confess before starting that I already know the answer, but it may be useful to others deciding whether or not this is for them to see written down the bare facts of the matter.

Chastity

To swear oneself to chastity has two key aspects to it centred on whom one is locking for.

If you lock because it is pleasurable to you and feeds your fantasy, then make no mistake, there is only one person you are doing it for, and it isn’t your Mistress. It can still be something that is pleasing to Mistress, but it is not one of her requirements.

If you lock because your Mistress, or partner, tells you to because they want you to, then that is completely different.

So, once clarity on this has been reached, it really is then down to how much pain you want to go through. If you are the kind of person who likes pain, all you need be careful of is that you do not irrevocably injure yourself in the process. I am afraid I am the kind of person who pushes that boundary a little too far sometimes, although no injury has been irrevocable. Just uncomfortable.

It is also important to realise that the fantasy of being locked 24/7, having a keyholder hold the keys and not release you, ever, is exactly that – a fantasy.

I have written about the benefits of chastity for both the locked and the keyholder before and will not detail them further – I will just refer back to a previous post on the subject.

Submission

There are essentially two kinds of submission, exactly as there is for chastity.

There are those who submit because they wish to and there are those who submit because they have no choice. It is a very fine distinction indeed, but it is real.

In both cases, an individual chooses to submit to their Mistress. That individual can make any number of claims about what they will and will not do for her, about how important and wonderful she is.

However, the key factor in all of it is the Mistress, her desires and wishes. If she wishes something to be, then it shall be so.

There is another distinction to be drawn between two kinds of submission and that is the distinction between part time and full time submission. For many, the latter is pure fantasy and doesn’t happen in real life. For many others, their submission only lasts for as long as they are in the presence of their Mistress, doing her bidding, perhaps as part of a game.

The penny drops

And so, given the above, where do I fit in? Which do I prefer? Which game gives me the greater pleasure?

Of course you already know the answer too and the answer is I prefer both and neither.

There is something greater going on. In some ways, chastity and submission are two sides of the same coin, but in other important ways, there really is no coin.

I am not just a player of games, although those games do sometimes get played. I do not feel like a “part time submissive” who only submits when he chooses to. For me, it is very very real and very much full time.

It can, of course, be a slightly awkward situation to be in, but there is an overriding factor which makes it all okay.

Mistress is the most important person. It is her wishes and hopes and desires which are important, above all else.

There is chastity, there are submissive games, there is flogging and whipping and crawling to heel and any manner of other things which may be done to show one’s submission.

But this submission is greater than the sum of its parts. The thoughts and sensations can be overwhelming at times, but is just part and parcel of what it means to have reached a realisation that there is someone who is more wonderful than you can ever properly say.

So really the answer to the question as to which I prefer is pretty simple. My preference is neither here nor their. My preference is for Mistress to be happy. That’s all.

 

How am I doing?

I had a bright idea.

I would really like to know what people think of this blog. It has been going for a wee while now and I have to say I am utterly astonished at all the support it has received.

I know it has varied tremendously between extremes, but I just hope people like it.

So, for a change, I thought I would see if I could launch this poll (which I tried and failed to do a couple of days ago) just so everyone can have a chance to say what they think.

I hope it is okay doing this. I hope Mistress approves.

Thank you so much for following me so far. It means a lot.