An end to fantasy

I have been going through something of a catharsis.

There are sometimes key moments in life when you wake up to who you are, wake up and smell the coffee, so to speak.

On occasion, such moments can happen suddenly, like flitting from deep sleep to full wakefulness in an instant. These are moments of revelation, miracle even, which can transform a life.

Sometimes it takes a little longer. But the effects are no less powerful, no less meaningful, no less transformative.

Any regular reader (although in truth I do not know if there are any such followers, grateful though I am to each an every single one of you, however infrequent your reading) will have noticed that recent posts have been somewhat abstruse, as is this one. There is, believe me, a reason.

Basically, I am not the person I used to be. I have been gradually coming to terms with that, and indeed it is taking some time. But I really have changed quite dramatically from the person I was before I knew Mistress. Today, really, is just the summation of a long period of change.

It is also the beginning of a new chapter. Certain elements will, of course, remain the same, but there will be certain nuances which differ quite distinctly from what has gone before.

What is the nature of this change? It really is quite simple. For many long years I have harboured fantasies and wondered about things and been more or less a typical solitary male living a typical solitary male lifestyle. I have had interests and investigations and have been a collector of certain things, just to find out what fantasy was like.

And you know what?

Fantasy means nothing.

It has taken me so long to realise.

What is important, is reality. Real life, real devotion. Not fake chastity borne on the whim of a fantasy of what it might be like, but hard won chastity.

I understand now that to be locked in chastity for someone, to submit to someone, to have such concern for another, is such a supreme honour. It is not the cold request, or order even, for someone to fulfil that which has taken up a large proportion of the male fantasy mind set. It is the recognition that individual human beings are far more important than any of that.

Submission is not a game, although some play it like that.

Chastity is not a game, although the vast majority of males think of it like that.

Mistress is not a commodity, although I know some see her as such.

To be allowed to be chaste for Mistress is an honour. To be allowed to spend time with Mistress is an honour. To be allowed even the tiniest bit inside her world is an honour.

But not because she is a Mistress. Simply because she is a wonderful human being.

Today I lost fantasy. But I gained reality. And I am such a better person for it.

And I will do my damnedest to make Mistress proud of me and to make her world a happier place, if it is in my power to do so. It would be such an honour.

A period of quiet contemplation

I tried something.

It didn’t work.

It is high time I realised I am not the internet guru I hoped I was.

The plain fact is that I am just a guy who happens to adore someone special. That is all. There is nothing complicated or high-falutin about it.

I also should not try to do things I do not know how to do. I just sit here and write and let people know what my day to day life is like. It is not a marketing campaign, I am not in business. I am just me, little me sitting here hoping beyond all hope that I will get another chance to meet Mistress soon and that she will not think too harshly of me and that maybe, just maybe, I can do things to please her and to make her world a happier place.

That is all I can do.

It isn’t much, I know. And I know it doesn’t mean much. But it means the world to me.

I can try to do all sorts of fancy things and try to learn as much as I can about everything (because I love learning) but learning is not experience. Experience always and ever only happens the hard way.

The thing is, I think I am trying too hard. I am overthinking things and trying to rationalise that which cannot be rationalised. I am trying to be something I am not. Or, at least, that is what I have been doing until now.

Things are going to change. I must devote myself to the needs of Mistress a hundred times over, far more than I have been doing. I have failed in that I have placed my own needs above hers, and that can never be right.

So, a quiet contemplation this evening, after a somewhat disastrous attempt at something else (which some of you may have noticed).

I only ever mean well. I hope you know that, dear readers.

I just want to conclude by saying thank you. This blog is not really long standing only having been started in June last year. But I want you to know that I have been utterly astonished and thrilled at the level of interest it has received. It is quite mind blowing.

So thank you. That’s all. Just thank you.

Kinky Vanilla

I wonder if things have changed?

I wonder if I have changed in a substantial and irrevocable manner?

I am not quite sure how to put this. I shall be as circumspect as I can.

I have had certain predilections for a long long time. There are certain things which I had almost accepted as bedrock about myself, from certain aspects about my personality – confidence, control, deference, understanding – to other aspects of my physicality – males do certain things, behave in certain ways, just are what they are.

But I have come to doubt. There are certain things, almost all associated with “kink” in all its aspects, where the desire seems to have just drifted away.

Over the course of years, I have tried all manner of things, been “into” all manner of things and found certain things to be more exciting to me than anything I could have imagined. I am not going into a full confession here of a list of all those predilections. There are some, I am sure, who would find it quite unnerving. Nevertheless, I cannot deny they have been there. All entirely safe, I might add, and all simply me being me. At no point has any other person been involved.

But now? One by one, I find them dropping away, losing interest, losing their appeal. There are certain things, certain “fetishes”, shall we say, which I thought were a core part of me. I find out now I no longer believe they are.

There was a time when I feared to attend some kind of event as I did not think my mind could cope with everything before my eyes without sending me wild with desire. I now find this is no longer the case.

I am no longer driven to distraction at the thought of meeting some beautiful woman clad all in leather or latex or pvc and willing to bid me do her bidding. No longer do I tremble at the thought of how these submissive games might make me feel.

Because now I know the reality. And the reality is far far more powerful than the fantasy.

Basically, I seem to have lost interest in fantasy.

I have never felt less kinky. I have never felt less overwhelmed by all that is fantasy and fetish. And yet I have never felt so overcome with feelings of devotion and willing service and a desire to please an individual. To worship, even.

I feel I have become a sort of “kinky vanilla”. I do not feel kinky or strange in any way. I pretty much feel “vanilla”.

But I also think this is a crucial step in my journey into chastity and submission, as this blog is so titled. Because I think I now have acceptance.

It is not that I have lost the urge. It is that I have accepted it and, in doing so, have accepted myself in a way I did not before.

Please, please do not get me wrong. Mistress drives me utterly wild beyond all imagining. That has in no way changed and has, indeed, only become stronger. But I am beginning to learn to cope with that and I now appreciate Mistress more than ever.

It is simply that things change. And really, all that has changed is my focus.

And, quite strangely, with all that, the world has become a new place. How can I ever thank Mistress enough?

Where are we now?

I don’t know about anyone else, but I find it faintly irritating that as an old year draws to its close, television and newspapers are full of “reviews of the year” before the year has even ended.

It is just a minor gripe, but one which leads me to review my own circumstances.

These writings started in June 2016 with Lockdown and, with a few interruptions, are still continuing.

My devotion to Mistress began way back, it seems, in May the previous year.

And so as I was driving the many miles back home this afternoon, after family visits, my thoughts turned to differences, where I was before, where I am now. How, basically, the world has changed, how I have changed.

Before this whole chastity and submission adventure took place, I didn’t really have a life. I know I have written about this before so will not go into any further. I will merely say that I now have a life. All my own, all my own choice, and yet devoted to Mistress.

Before this whole adventure, I had no adventure left in me.

This is one crucial thing Mistress has taught me. Never give up. Never give up hope. Never give up trying. Never give up learning. Never give up on those nearest and dearest to you.

And with that she has ignited within me such a lust for life that I have never felt before. There is such a fundamental a basic desire to do things to please her, to try and make life a little better for her, but it trickles through into everyday life too. I try harder for everyone around me, I try to be a better person to everyone I know.

In short, Mistress has made me human again. Indeed, she has made me a man.

I nearly titled today’s post “Of Mice and Men” for when I first came to Mistress, I was indeed a mouse. No longer. What mouse could write the things I write here? What mouse would dare?

And it was Thoreau who wrote “we all live lives of quiet desperation” and yet for me this is no longer true. I live a life of quiet hope.

So, reverting back to the very start, where are we now? How did I get here? The answer is simple and straightforward, just a single word:

Mistress.

 

The nature of submission

For a while, before Christmas, I lost it.

It was simply that Real Life kicked in and it seemed somehow inappropriate to continue in the same vein whilst so much was going on.

And, for a time, I thought I had lost this whole world. I did not feel submissive. I did not especially want to experience ever again what I had once considered the wonderful and life-enhancing feeling of the lash across my back.

And, for a brief moment, I decided that it was all over.

Of course, I was kidding myself.

It is a strange thing that once one has decided to devote oneself to a wonderful Mistress, there really is no going back. The decision has been made and life will never ever be the same again.

For the feeling of submission, that most astonishing and amazing feeling of giving oneself to another for their pleasure, it grips with an iron grip.

Now, in this new year, there are times when I am filled with such a craving to submit, such a yearning to feel once more the whip and the flogger and, well, just everything, that it can be quite overwhelming.

I do not know where this comes from. There is nothing in my past I could point to which a clever psychologist could dig up and say “aha – that is why you are the way you are”. I am just like this.

What makes it doubly strange is that in Real Life, I am not a submissive person at all. Quite the contrary.

It is just something Mistress does to me, and Mistress alone.

In some ways, submission is a choice. But for some, such as I, it strikes such a powerful chord deep within the soul. It makes me feel alive. Even that constant craving and yearning makes me realise I am full of life and hope.

And because it is Mistress, most wonderful and amazing and fabulous Mistress, I want to do anything and everything I can to make her happy, make her life a better place, even just bring a little happiness to her day.

So what, then, is the nature of submission? I really do not know. But I am so so grateful to Mistress for allowing me to submit to her. It is a true honour.

The nature of pain

I want to write something different today.

My experiences meeting Mistress a couple of days ago have literally blown my mind, again. I have to try to do something to switch off and to focus on something else. I cannot tell you how much I adore this person, what a powerful and positive influence she is to me. And I fear I run the risk of alienating some if I do not try to change tack.

I also want to explore a little, try and describe things a little differently, be a little more experimental in my writings.

So here goes, then.

The thought has been wandering around my mind for a few days now. It really centres on a question which occurred to me and which I do not think I actually have an answer for. All I can do is relate my own experiences and see if they accord with the experiences of others. I entirely accept that they may not.

On occasion, I visit Mistress and she decides that the time is right for me to be strapped to the St Andrew’s Cross and flogged and whipped and paddled and caned, whatever she happens to want to do.

I absolutely love it. There really is no experience I have ever had which can equal it. Until I met Mistress, I had no knowledge of my predilections in this area. I simply did not know if it was something I would like, but I just had to find out. And oh my gosh, my life was turned inside out by the experience.

I have also come to realise that it is not the experience itself which really gets to me, it is the fact that it is most wonderful and amazing Mistress doing it. I don’t think I could stand it from anyone else. It just would not be the same thing. It is my adoration of Mistress that gives me such pleasure, not necessarily the beatings themselves. Of course, I may be wrong about this, but my heart tells me I am right.

So the question arose in my mind, do I simply not feel pain the same way as other people? For truth be told, I will take anything, absolutely anything, that she wishes to do to me, without question and without hesitation.

Does this mean it does not hurt?

Of course not. It hurts like hell. But I can make myself take it because Mistress wishes it so.

But the thing is, I also love the sensation. I love doing things which I believe are pleasing to Mistress. But I love the feel of the whip lashing across my back. I love the pummelling of the floggers. I adore the thwack of the cane or paddle across my behind. Again and again and again. I just cannot get enough of it.

But only for Mistress.

Am I a masochist? I don’t know. Do I feel pain? Of course I do. Do I enjoy the feeling of pain? Oh my gosh yes.

But for Mistress, only for Mistress.

I would be very interested to know other’s opinions, if they would care to share them.

A meeting

I met Mistress today.

I say it so glibly, as if it is the most natural thing in the world, yet I know there are so many out there who never get this opportunity. All I can say is that I know now that I am the luckiest man in the world.

So yes, I met Mistress today. There was no “play” or anything like that. It did not seem to be the occasion for it. There has been no “play” for a while now but, again, it just does not seem to have been the right occasion. Real Life kicked in with a vengeance. Sometimes it just happens like that and we just have to roll with it.

But today’s meeting has had a profound effect on me. This most wonderful Mistress has touched me deeper than I cared to realise before. She is truly magical.

I shall do my best to explain why.

As I have said, I know there are so many who do not ever get the chance to meet their Mistress. She is therefore somehow distant, which sometimes only adds to the aura and mystique and magnificence of a Mistress. I understand this.

But to be able to meet one’s Mistress in person, even if only for a chat over a cup of tea, is magical beyond all reason, beyond all expectation¬†and beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life.

There are some who visit Mistresses galore and who have such a deep need within them to experience certain things that they do not particularly care who delivers it. I am not like that.

There are some for whom their partner is also their Mistress, a truly magical combination, I am sure. This is not me either.

And finally, there are some who are unattached, unclaimed, unowned, and yet who are given that rarest of opportunities to entirely devote themselves to another. I feel I am indeed lucky enough to be one such.

Now, within that small band, the majority tend to continue their devotions online. Oh I know they are out there. I have seen submissives and Mistresses alike testify to it. But rarer still is that tiny group of people who actually have the opportunity to meet their Mistress in person, even albeit on rare occasions.

And even tinier still is that group of individuals who have the opportunity not just to attend sessions with their Mistress, but to actually spend casual time with her, to be able to just appreciate her and do their best to make her life a better place, to focus and be considerate and learn and adore, not just from afar but in reality, in person.

How many can claim to be that fortunate?

Well, I know of one, at least.

And I also know it would not be possible if Mistress did not allow it, indeed it would not be possible if Mistress did not wish it. And it would not be possible if Mistress were not the best, most wonderful and most amazing person in the world. It really is that simple.

And so, after a time in the doldrums and not knowing where life was taking me, after feeling lost and dejected and lacking lustre, after worry and fear and fret and doubt, this simple meeting has reinvigorated me so much, made me realise just how lucky I am.

I am, indeed, the luckiest man in the world. For Mistress allows it.

Need

I am afraid I am going to become more philosophical about things.

Is this all a need or a desire? Is there any difference between the two?

This, essentially, follows directly from yesterday’s post where I swore I would try to be more considerate and thoughtful of what Mistress wants.

But now I have come to the realisation that I must first identify what it is that she wants. And this, in turn, made me think that it really is not as simple as that. Mistress is a very complex individual, very intricate and fascinating and full of twists and turns and depth and insight. What hope do I have of ever understanding her?

None, basically. It is as simple as that. Part of being a submissive male is the recognition of that and the acceptance of it. Both important things.

But it is also most important to not stop trying.

Everything is always a two-way street. Do I need what Mistress gives me, or do I just desire it? Does Mistress need to do what she does, or does she simply like doing it?

As ever, nothing is cut and dried. There is a bit of truth in all of it.

For many submissive males, they seek someone to love. They wish to give themselves over entirely to another, one who will subsume their will and treat them as property.

For others, it is just a fantasy. It exists in that brief time the scenario is being played out, in that magical moment where, just for a splintering second, they can both forget who they are in real life and live just in the moment, experiencing everything that moment can give them.

I am neither. I do not seek someone to love. I do not need someone to love. But it is such a pleasure and an honour to be able to adore someone unreservedly.

It is really really difficult to explain. It must be so confusing to some others, so difficult to understand how a single male can seek only to adore someone without any concomitant and undesired sexual advances. And yet that is how it is.

So yes, it is a need and not just a desire. But it is also a desire and not just a need.

And I am also becoming aware that for Mistress, she does not need this. Nor does she necessarily desire it. And yet, it seems to be pleasing to her. At least sometimes, anyway.

On the flipside, after all, surely there is some pleasure to be had in knowing there is someone who adores you unreservedly and yet wishes nothing in return, other than the opportunity simply to adore?

Surely that is worth something to a Mistress?

I believe so. As per yesterday’s post, it is a balance, so finely struck that to some it is barely visible. It is a line somewhere between need and desire.

I believe it is called friendship.

Balance

Happy New Year to one and all.

This is the first post of the year. It has been a few days coming.

I first want to say thank you. I want to say a really big thank you to each and every one of you who follows this blog in any way at all. I have been quite astonished by quite how many people seem interested and utterly astonished at some of the wonderful comments I have received. So a big big thank you to everyone.

But I also want to start the New Year in a new vein and, of course, with a confession.

Fundamentally, there is a very fine balance that exists between a Mistress and any of her submissives.

The submissive must recognise that a Mistress is a human being, first and foremost, and has her own life to live. I have said this before and feel no shame repeating it because it really is very important indeed. She is not just a fantasy figure dreamed up by your imagination, there to respond to your every penchant and whim.

She is a person.

I am sure all submissives are sure their Mistress is the best Mistress in the world. (In my case, it happens to be true, but I’ll let that slide for the time being.) But just because your Mistress is the best in the world does not make her any less (or more) of a human being.

It is therefore the solemn duty of every submissive male to be absolutely considerate of the wishes, thoughts and feelings of his Mistress. He must not be demanding, or rude in any way, but should at all times be nothing less than supremely considerate and kind and grateful.

Now here is the hard part – the balance.

What it really is about is trying to understand the mind of a Mistress so as to know how to behave appropriately without being intrusive. That is the balance.

And that is also the confession. I fear I went too far the other way. In a vain attempt to try and not be intrusive to Mistress, I have given the impression of being distant and uncaring and inconsiderate. That is almost as bad as being too pushy and demanding.

So here, now, is a New Year’s Resolution: I must be more considerate towards Mistress. I must be more careful to put her wishes and thoughts and feelings first and foremost¬†but not to the extent that I go too far the other way.

Mistress is a very special person. She deserves more of me than I have shown of late.

So let this year be a year of consideration and thoughtfulness for all submissives towards the most special people in the world. Let us all try to understand our Mistresses better and to strike that balance more appropriately.

And may Mistress know that whilst I know I am just one submissive male, I am nevertheless hers and hers alone, through all trials and tribulations and whatever this year may bring.

New Year’s Eve

It is New Year’s Eve.

I wasn’t going to write anything. But I feel I must.

This year has been astonishing. I finish the year as I started it, locked safely and securely. I do not know if I do this “for Mistress” or just for myself. I just know that it makes me happy. I hope and believe it makes Mistress happy too.

It has been a year like no other. When it started, I felt such utter adoration for Mistress, such respect and admiration, such complete devotion. And as the year ends? That adoration and respect and admiration and devotion has never ever been stronger. Mistress is simply the most wonderful person to ever enter my life and I am so grateful to her.

And I am so lucky. I know I have said this before, but now seems an appropriate time to say it again. I am so lucky to have met Mistress. I know there are many many people who go through their whole lives just wishing and dreaming and never ever getting the opportunity to properly appreciate and adore their Mistress.

I am no longer such a person. I have met Mistress. And she is more wonderful than I could ever have possibly imagined.

More than that, I count Mistress as a friend, a deep and dear friend. I have not many friends in my life, but of those that there are, Mistress is the most special, by a long long way.

How many get to express their devotion like this? How many are so fortunate?

And so the year concludes, for me, in adoration and devotion and nothing less than a substantial increase in both. Mistress is wonderful. She is a wonderful person. This is not blind devotion. It is merely recognition of reality.

Some may laugh at me, think I am deluded, think I am merely lost in some sort of submissive fog. But I know. I know a special person when I meet them.

For any doubters, all I can say is look to your own. If you are as lucky as I and can say you adore your Mistress over and above any normal D/s relationship, then I truly believe you have something special and I would advise you to never ever risk ruining it through selfishness.

And if you are not lucky enough? Never give up hope. Ever. I nearly did, and now look.

And so the old year fades and the new is about to begin. It has been an astonishing year. I hope Mistress allows me to continue to offer her gifts and adoration and devotion and  submission for many years to come, but for now, I wish all of you the best New Year you could ever have.

And, finally, I have to thank Mistress just for being so wonderful.

Thank you, Mistress. Thank you so so much.